There is always an audience

A long time ago I read a book by Erving Goffman, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. One image has stayed with me -- someone cuts in front of a person standing in a checkout line. The wronged-against one turns to the people behind him and makes a whole-body "Whatcha gonna do?" gesture -- hands outstretched, palms upward, shoulders shrugged, eyes rolled upward. Goffman's point was that in public spaces we are always in front of an audience, to which we play.

Even if only two are present, there will still be audiences. Afterwards, one of the two may relate the conversation to others. And conversations rattle around inside the head of each participant afterwards -- there is the participant "me" who was part of the real-time conversational drama, but there is also the reflective "me" who replays the conversation later. The latter is a real audience.

In an online discussion group, an exchange of messages between two disputants may have readers for months or years afterwards. Perhaps search engines bring readers there based on terms used during the exchange.

So although people's behavior and much apologetics literature focuses on the two disputants, the real scope of action is much different, including at a minimum the immediate onlookers and probably also people as yet unknown.

Indeed, if we are trying to create space for the Holy Spirit to work in, the audience may well be a more fruitful target than the visible opponent. If the opponent is rude or argues mechanically or appears to value victory more than charity or truth, then our words and behaviors are likely to have zero effect on him or her but may have significant effect on the present and future audience. If we are generous and careful and make limited points we may succeed in planting itches among the onlookers and providing many openings to the Holy Spirit.